…from my other web-site – for the benefit of any who might have missed or not been aware of it for any reason. Explains itself.
…to my friends and loved ones in Iceland.
It is now six months since I left Iceland. For those who are/were not aware of this fact, I apologize. It was not something I could easily explain at the time. I’m not even sure I could give a 100% explanation even now. One simple reason for this is… I just don’t know or understand it all anyway, just some parts of it.
One aspect of life I personally hate is gossip, slander, back-biting (such as “I always knew he was…..” etc), and anyone, myself included, who has “assumed” to “know” anything about anyone ELSE simply has not understood the whole picture of anything as they SHOULD. There is ALWAYS much more to the story than is obvious. And if “everything works out in the end” and it HASN’T worked out yet, then it’s NOT “the end”, yet, and AT the end is the ONLY time anyone can REALLY say “Now I know!” This sets the tone of what follows I hope.
Personally, I have always liked the old saying that “Friends don’t need an explanation, and your enemies wouldn’t believe one anyway”. This is a proof of true friendship in my opinion, and I treasure those who see things in this way. To me, giving an explanation is a matter of courtesy, to friends, and IF possible. However, it can only be done when “the picture” is “clear”, right? I am hoping that even if all the answers I provide can’t be available here, at least you will see that I am trying, the best I can right now anyway.
For the record also, I personally try to never “judge” anyone I know, or have met (or even not met), and certainly not only on just the word of someone else (called “hearsay”). Things others say may be true, they might not be (and it will probably be only their personal perspective anyway), but I know that I personally prefer to see the good in people, and I will make my own “judgments”, in my OWN time, IF that even ever proves necessary. Even though I, like any other, may have my own prejudices and bias’s, I have learned that it is simply not wise to judge folks by these. They can be unsafe, and are often usually wrong anyway. It is also unwise to “generalize” people into categories. I hate it when people do this with me, and I’m sure everyone probably feels the same way when it happens to them. We are all individuals, NOT the same as anyone else, and we should treat each other in this way, with love and respect. It may require patience sometimes, but that is usually considered a virtue in most people’s book isn’t it?
Another important point, which may be understood or not: Although we can all have our “favorites”, and some folks may be closer to us than others, for many different reasons, I try to treat people equally. It doesn’t matter to me where a person comes from, what language they speak, their color, political or religious beliefs, age, sex, or even physical relationship, etc, etc. I will meet anyone one-on-one and take it from there. How close an individual chooses to be with me is up to them. I will take them where they are at, and our relationship, whatever that turns out to be, will start from there. God only knows how far it will go, or where we will end up! Exciting!
I won’t/don’t want to give any details as to “what happened” recently with me. This is not my purpose. I would just like to let everyone know how I feel, okay?
Most of the really dramatic changes that have occurred in my life were not expected, and certainly would not have been my consciously chosen personal decision. If anything, I have tried to “hold on”, to people and circumstances, “for dear life”. I don’t find “radical change” in my personal life very comfortable, at all, and I usually tend to fight it “tooth and nail”. When changes like this are practically “forced” on me, I tend to have to be dragged through them “kicking and screaming all the way”. That is, however, until I finally resign myself to the fact that I can’t do anything about them, then I will act quickly.
This means that when the time actually comes to enact a change it can happen quite “suddenly”. Major changes have occurred (and I have had MANY in the last 42 years) over just DAYS, and the explanation for it all isn’t usually available at the time, not even to me, let alone others. It is a matter of just “Move! Now!” and sort it out later, IF that is even possible. This is not understandable to many I know, and it may seem cold and callous, giving the impression that I must not care or have any feelings. Nothing could be further from the truth however.
I usually cannot deal with things at the time, while right in the middle of them and at the moment. It is not usually helpful, and can even be dangerous, to react right there and then. But I DO have very deep feelings and emotional content, and this recent change has taken most of the last six months to assimilate, understand and get through. Honestly? I feel like a very “broken” man indeed!
Don’t get me wrong, this is not an appeal for sympathy! There are things I have come to realize and know now, some of which I will share following, that could possibly help you to understand me better, “at a distance” rather than “up close and personal”. This is one of the reasons and purposes for my writing here. Can you bear with me from here on then?…
There is not one person that I have met or know (and I mean this sincerely, even if some might find it difficult to believe), that does not mean A LOT to me, no matter how “much” or “little” we actually “know” each other! I treasure every meeting as something more to build a friendship on, even if it takes place over years. (I am sorry I am not usually very good with names, but faces? I do apologize to the precious few when this as escaped me also though. Perhaps you can extend a little patience towards me in this however, because I know, literally, THOUSANDS of people!) The main thing that I want everyone to know though is that I may be “gone”, but that does not mean that anyone is “forgotten”. This is simply NOT the case! I understand that not everyone is like me. Not everyone sees relationships in the same was as I do, I know. But that doesn’t matter. I just want you to know how I feel, that’s all.
There are very real and deep reasons for me sharing this, and I am not being flippant in doing so. Even if it might be difficult to understand, just take it for what it is… Iceland is my “home”, even though I am not able to be there right now! It was never my plan for it to be so when I was FIRST asked to visit in December 2002, and I had NO idea that what was going to happen WOULD happen, but it DID!
I have travelled through a lot of the world, some twenty countries, and have lived thirty years in other places that were not my country of birth. I have never really felt like I “belonged” anywhere, certainly not in the UK (which I still don’t), but have felt more like “a pilgrim”, a “gypsy”, “just a passin’ through”. All that changed from the first day I arrived in Iceland however! Many may not be aware of the deep spiritual context of my experiences, especially in Iceland, and it would be difficult to encapsulate much of it here, but just know that the reasons for my feelings and belief for this land and it’s people run VERY deep indeed!
Some people reading this may find this difficult to understand. It might sound ridiculous and unrealistic, “idealistic”, but it is who, how, and what I am, and as weird and strange as this might sound to some, it is how I have been all my life. You could call me an “incurable romantic” I guess. Anyway…
The circumstances of my departure from Iceland were very sudden and unexpected, and again I won’t go into the details of it all here, nor the reasons. They are very personal, and painful let us just say, and not my own choice. You could say I “had no choice”. My “options” were very few, extremely limited, and actually there was only one at the time it seemed! ‘Nuff said on that!
I arrived in the UK on 1st August. All I can say about that is that that day was heart-breaking, “the end of my world”, and only “Grace” got me through it! I was moving, away from everything I knew and loved and ever wanted, to an unknown and uncertain future, in a country I have never fared well in at any time I have been in it. No exaggeration, and not the happiest of prospects!
I have not been lacking in anything I have needed, or been in want at all since I got here. I am well provided for. I will say that I have “little or nothing to worry about” regarding food, clothing, and shelter, and not only are my daily needs met, but even some “wants” have been provided! But it has BEEN, and still IS, VERY different indeed to where I WISH I was, and where I WANT to be – home, in Iceland! I won’t dwell on that any more here though, but I will just add a comment or two at the end.
So, what have I been up to since?
Well, although I had been somewhat aware of my mother’s situation for a long time (from a distance), I have since learned that it is actually a good thing to be able to spend some time with her, for a while at least, and for several reasons, which I will explain…
My mother is turning 85 in May. Since March 2013 she was living on her own, until I arrived. My Dad passed on years ago, and my two youngest sisters also have died (the second youngest was living with Mum until last March). My only surviving sister lives in London, a five-hour car journey away. So, basically, it’s just Mum and me.
My “job”, since finding myself here, is looking after my mother. She still has all her mental faculties, but physically? Well let’s just say that there is very little that she is actually able to do, and even that has diminished a lot since I have been here. I won’t go into all the details, but basically she is now house-bound. To walk very far anywhere, or stand for very long, is painful and exhausting, especially in her back and legs, in fact any exertion leaves her quite breathless and feeling faint, to where she has to sit down otherwise she risks losing her balance and falling. She cannot lift or hold onto anything of any weight with her hands due to arthritis. Briefly, she is diabetic, has had two hip replacements, two cataract operations, two carpel-tunnel operations, wears (or should do) two hearing aids, and is arthritic.
And so, I do everything physical that needs to be done, cooking, dish-washing, cleaning, laundry, shopping, house maintenance and fixing things, as well as try to make things as comfortable and easy as possible for Mum to be able to do whatever she can still do for herself, while she still can. There has been one major de-clutter/clean-out since I got here, taking several weeks, with a second-round still to take place, then there is the garden to do, and a garage to clear out.
This is also the first time I have had some time alone with my mother. There was always family around when I was young, and I left home and started traveling when I was seventeen. Any visits to my parents over the last forty-two years were very few, very far between, and very often short-lived. Mum and I were always very close though, even when apart, having a sort of “psychic” connection you could say, and since computers came about we have enjoyed sometimes almost a daily communication, but she never really felt free to be herself with others around. Now we have been able to have long and deep talks together, “catching up” as well, while I have also been encouraging her to just do what she feels like doing, whenever she feels like it, such as enjoy her extensive music and video collection, read, or “play” with her electronic toys 😀 , sleep in or go to bed when she feels like it, break-up routines whenever she can or it’s possible.
Besides my youngest sister, who died of MS years ago, my Mum is the only other member of our family who has had or expressed any faith, so she is feeling much happier having me around to be able to share these things with. Also, I have been able to help fill in any gaps in her knowledge or understanding, which she never really had time to do for herself before, being so busy being a wife and a mother and a grandmother. Now we have “all the time in the world”, until of course it is time for her to to pass on. In the meantime there is also the work of helping her make sure all her affairs are in order too.
So where does that leave me? Well, basically, here! It certainly is not possible to leave Mum on her own any more for one thing, but also there really is no-one else who CAN take care of her, unless she moves into a care-giving home, which she is loathe to do and refuses to do. She has lived in this house for the last twenty seven years, it is her home, all of her things are here, and she says that the only way she is leaving it permanently is feet-first, in a box! 😀
I don’t know how much longer she has, but I don’t think that it will be too long. Then it will be a matter of a little time for my sister and I to sort out all the affairs of her estate before I can be free again. My “plan” is to utilize my inheritance to be able to move back to my home – Iceland! I have always said that that is where I want to end my days, and to be buried there, where I belong! So, let’s see! Who knows, or can really say what will be, but that is my heart’s desire, and the best plan I can come up with right now!
In the meantime, my Facebook is still set to Iceland, and I confess that I “pop in” on my friends from time to time! 😀 After all, I really miss everyone, and I have to keep the feeling alive that I’m not really “gone”, just “absent”, for now! I may not have time to “comment” on everything or “message” everyone, but “I am watching you”! 😀 😀 😀 Well, you know what I mean!
Many of you are on my mailing list, and should get up-dates on things I’m up to (I do a LOT of reading and research, and writing as a result!). If you are not, and would like to be, just drop me a line and let me know: firstname.lastname@example.org
If anyone should want to communicate with me at all, especially by e-mail, in any kind of a personal manner, please feel free to do so. I always answer my mail, usually right away if I can, and I am NEVER “a gossip”, NOR do I “judge”! Ask anyone who knows me if this is true or not, IF you should have a hard time believing this.
One “gift” I have, which I haven’t advertised really at all, is prophecy! I call it a “gift”, because that is what it is. It’s not like a tap/faucet that can be just turned on or off, but in a way it is! All I do is “ask The Boss”, and, incredible as it might seem, He answers! I have had absolutely no “failures” in this matter, so I am personally sold on it! Anything I want or need to know, if He sees no reason why I shouldn’t, He tells me! That’s all there is to it, believe it or not! So, if you might want any “help” with anything, just let me know, and “we’ll see what we can do”, okay?
Well, that’s it! At least for now, all I can think of! Please just remember, I may not be there, in Iceland, in body, but my mind, heart and spirit most definitely are! I “miss you all like crazy!”, can’t wait to return, and as soon as it’s possible, I will! 😀